My Escape

In my first ever blog, I told you about the reasons I write, but there's one which I haven't mentioned yet, mostly because it wasn't really relevant to anything I've talked about at all so far. Then I watched the series finale of ER. I've been watching it since I was 11 years old, so for 10 of the 14 years it was on. Now, when I was a kid, I was painfully shy. I had a few friends but I was frequently too shy to ask them to play, so as a result, I spent a lot of time watching TV. And that's when it all really started. I would watch my shows and I would be swept away into a land where I could empathize with these characters; feel what they were feeling, feel the affection that they felt for the people in their lives deep down inside, especially friendships. I think this ability to empathize with characters is a large part of why I am (not to toot my own horn) a good writer and I hope this has reflected in my fan fiction writing. Simply, it was an escape from my life. Admittedly, crippling shyness and lack of social life aside, I can't say I had a horrendous childhood, but outside of my love for writing, I can't say I was truly happy then either. Sad? Maybe. But it was all I had and I, for the most part, was okay with it. This...I don't know if it's a song or a poem, but it really describes me back then...not as much the last verse because I wasn't going crazy, but I can even relate to that a bit because, back then, relating to characters on TV was much easier than trying to do it in my own life...

A lot has changed since then; since I graduated high school. I'm no longer painfully shy; for that matter I don't even classify myself as shy anymore. I have little to no problem talking in groups and in class or making friends. Though I was happy with all the time I spent writing, generally all of this has made me much of a more well-rounded person. But as much as I enjoy being with people, I cherish my time alone. My time to be by myself, to think, to write, to appreciate relationships and experiences so different from my own. My time to just be.

I really think that watching the series finale of ER is what made me think of all this. It reminded me of a time where 'my time to just be' was really all I had. After I finished watching it, I felt this sense of awe and love for being alone with my own thoughts and writing them down that I haven't truly felt in a long time, since I became more social, that I felt near constantly growing up. It comes from my ability to become so deeply caught up in these fictional worlds; like I'm part of them. Everybody needs to get away from the world for a while; I just feel it more so than others is all. I know that so many people wouldn't be able to imagine that, but that's what's made me who I am. Writing fan fiction may not be all that I have anymore and I may have changed so much in my life and I'm glad for it, but it will always be a part of me and the part of myself that I cherish most. It's my place where I can just be; my escape from reality. For no matter how social I get or how many friends I make, I will always treasure and need my escape; my world.